I have mastered the ability to be a student, in both an undergraduate and (hopefully) a masters program. But where do I go now? I feel defeated before I have even begun. I am becoming more comfortable with being a mother, although I question my choice in this matter daily. My son isn't a baby anymore, he's becoming a little child - a child that needs guidance and certainty. I know that I can give him love but I fear my ability to fulfill my role as a parent. I wasn't ready for this. I am still selfish. My mother tells me that parents always fly by the seat of their pants. But is this enough? I know I will fail. I know I will let him down. But I don't feel like I have any direction. Perhaps I should start by gaining some own direction of my own - make an effort. I am looking forward to becoming a wife but I fear my capabilities in this sphere, as well. Where am I in all of this?
Identity. Existence. All of these mysteries and complexities of life that we are each a part of every day.
I do not think you have anything you need to worry about. If you are worried about being a good parent or wife, then you at least are willing to try to be the best you can be and change if you are not doing a good job. It is those people who are not worried that are not good parents and spouses because they see no need to change when they are not doing a good job.
ReplyDeleteI too often bite off more than I can chew. Most times I enjoy having something to do for myself or for others. In terms of motherhood and direction, I like to think that everything happens for a reason and that things will fall into place. I have days where I feel like everything is going wrong and working on my thesis constantly makes me worry about how it is going to turn out. :/ I wish you the best of luck and congratulations in life and love! :) Questioning life is a part of life. Does anyone really know the answers!
ReplyDeleteI am at that same place, or at least in the same vicinity. I am asking myself "Now what" and drawing a blank. I have a degree, a 'good' job, and I am in grad school. I am about to be married and am thankful that my fiance doesn't want the white picket fence either, but we are not entirely sure of what we do want. We just have foggy dreams. Vapors of another life out in the great unknown. It is so hard to take that step out there because it is so easy to fail. Then somewhere in all of this thinking about life and what I should do with it, a relization hits me. Those people whom I admire so much, that had these fantastic crazy lives that we all dream about did not get that way by circumstance. They too stood in between a life of complacency and one of great adventure. It all seems so romantic when you don't have to put food on the table or are responsible for more than your own life. I don't know what I am going to do when summer comes, or where I will be in the next year. The only thing I know is that I will bind myself to someone else forever and my decison making process has to be altered accordingly. I am not alone and that is both comforting and alarming. I don't know if any of what I said makes sense to anyone but me, but it feels good to write it anyways.
ReplyDeleteMother. Scary place to be and I am not there yet, though I know I will be one day. I do see alot of 'bad' or 'failed' mothers in my profession and I can tell you this: those mothers never think they are selfish. Asking the question "am I selfish?" is a selfless act in itself. I know you won't fail as a mother because you think about such things and that makes all of the difference in the world. I wish I had more of a direction myself. It is a very hard thing to do when you have checked everything else off your list. Now what? I ask myself that everyday and still have no answer.
Deep. Marriage has always scared me, much less motherhood. I have not been up to either of these roles though wife has and is being discussed. After 3 years with Kevin everyone we know and many strangers insist that we should be married. What are we waiting for? We are waiting to both be ready. He is 32 and I am 28 and we led different lives up until 3 years ago. We are still getting used to each other I think. You cannot think about failure before you even begin a project. If I thought me and Kevin would end in disappointment and divorce we would not be together now. I think the best thing you can do with your life is to just go for it balls to the wall and say Thank you or Fuck you where it's needed. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation, this is how I felt through most of my years of being a parent. I never felt like I knew what I was doing and I often knew I was messing up. But you get through it - you and your child(ren). They survive, they're stronger than they look. And they know you love them. It counts for more than you think.
ReplyDeleteDawn, there is more to you than you think. I always enjoy your posts, perhaps because it provides some clarity in my own living, or because I can familiarize with you.
ReplyDeleteJulius is 3 years old, he can talk, walk, count, and say his colors. But I have failed when it comes to potty training, the hardest thing ever. Sometimes I am selfish, I want to go out, smoke, drink, or maybe just watch a movie or be free. However, I think I have enjoyed the most freedom with raising him to be honest, and I have failed many times and I will continue to fail. He says cuss words, he picks his nose, he fights like a boy, and sometimes I feel like I cannot provide him with the same guidance; my biggest fear is that I will end up like my parents. To avoid that fear, I work hard in learning from mistakes and failures. Failure is good because it motivates.
You will do well in this program because you are strong, you will succeed because you are strong, and you will be a great mother because you are strong.