I've been tossing around this concept of borderlands in my head lately. When I read about things enough in courses, think about them enough outside of these courses, and allow them to really seep into my life - they end up in my dreams. The concept of a borderlands - physical, mental, cultural, spiritual, sexual, etc. - intrigues me. I feel like I have live among these topics for my entire life.
My life is a borderlands. And not in the classical sense, if there can be one, or as I understand one. I am Anglo. I am feminine. I am Christian. I am married. I am an American. I am Hispanic - not by blood, by but immersion. I am masculine, in some senses of the word and its traits, although stereotypical - the same goes for feminine, I suppose. I am atheist. I am ashamed. I am free.
All of these things live within my simultaneously.
I feel as though I am living in a borderlands. And perhaps that is what your late 20s are... a borderlands. Between knowing yourself and understanding yourself. Accepting yourself. Forsaking yourself? We are given these roles. We do not choose each one. But we must take our lot in life and embrace it. I try, I falter, I am human.
It is strange when I sit down to question myself. I ask myself why I do the things that I do. I question how the voice inside my head at night speaks to me. That sounds insane. But a wise woman once told me that we should first consider how we speak to ourselves internally. Do we build ourselves up? Or tear ourselves down? Or allow ourselves to pursue selfish desires? It is in these moments alone with the complexities of my true mind that I am left with the answers to my questions. And I am somewhat frightened by the reality of them. Especially on paper. Write, woman, write.
Very insightful for someone with nothing to say! Weird, isn't it, getting to about that age where you realize you're just learning yourself? (Also I completely empathize with waiting for something to say to just fall into your lap. Wasn't happening for me, either.)
ReplyDeleteDawn,
ReplyDeleteI like your exploration of your many borderland identities. I remember when I was in my early thirties and all of these identity issues began to surface. I was excited yet scared simultaneously--especially with my bicultural identities. I wrote about it constantly during these years through my personal academic essays and shared it publicly--one was published. These essays helped me essay to be with these identities and share my breakthrough with others.
Amazing post. I've had some of these ideas too, but never brought them together as clearly as you have them written here. It seems as if everyone can identify with a sense of the borderlands in some way - even as you become solid in one area, you discover another not so firm. For me, I dread the day I look around and discover there are no more soft spots. Guess I've just grown comfy living on the border.
ReplyDeleteUmm, what are you saying Dawn? No, but this is a very good post indeed. You bring up some good issues pertaining to identity, and when we think of identity and borderlands we can almost relate it to the process of deconstruction. This deconstruction then turns into arrays of identities where we hold them to be true but and part of us, if that makes sense. I don't know, i think I need to come down a little before I start writing lol. No but ummm good ideas. I think we all need a little bit of inspiration sometimes or a little push, or even a little confidence. I needed all that when I spent 4500 on my jeep parts, but hey that gave me the inspiration to have better days for the next couple of weeks lol
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